Do you know any really good jokes?
DL: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam! What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese. Most of my jokes are good for a four-year-old.
What’s your favorite practical jokes?
DL: Putting bubble wrap around someone’s rear tire.
What’s your least favorite song?
DL: Anything by the Smashing Pumpkins. Because their songs are sappy, and they make me want to sit alone in the dark and smoke. And Janis Joplin I can’t stand anything by Janis Joplin.
Who is your least favorite celebrity?
DL: Any Fox or CNN news anchors. Because anything they say is bullshit.
Describe your most embarrassing moment.
DL: I was working the bar, and I looked up and I just saw the top of this guy’s face, like he was squatting down. I’m like what do you want? He says Millerliteinnabottle,” like it all ran together. I said, ‘Unless you can stand up here and order, I’m not serving you.’ I look up and he’s wheeling out in a wheelchair. I felt so bad. But I chased him down with a beer.
If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
DL: I would play a skipping CD over and over and over again.
Describe your worst date ever.
DL: We were on a date and we went to a place where I worked, and I proceeded to get really drunk because I was nervous. He had to drive me home, and I vomited all over his Jeep Cherokee. And he had to stay with me overnight because I was upchucking all over myself. I called him the next day and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Shampooing my vehicle.’
DL: Where I couldn’t get cigarettes or alcohol. It’s all females, and Smashing Pumpkins and Janis Joplin are playing in rotation.
What would you say if you met the Devil?
DL: ‘Haven’t we met before?’