What’s your favorite joke?

AP: How do you catch a polar bear? Kick it in the ice hole!

Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.

AP: When I was 21, I became so drunk that while I was taking a leak, I passed out and fell in a mud puddle.

If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

AP: Oh, the many ways. I’d probably just make them cuddle with me.

Who’s your least favorite celebrity?

AP: That kid who always said, ‘Did I do that?’… Urkel! I’d like to kill him. And his name sounds too much like ‘Pirkle.’

What’s your least favorite song?

AP: ‘Achy Breaky Heart.’ Or that Paul Simon song, ’50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.’ That’s an alternate. Too much rhyming.

Describe your worst date ever.

AP: It all started with a two-gallon bowl of potato chips and ended with a whole lotta blood. And wrestling.

Describe Hell.

AP: New buildings, shiny cars, and chinos.

What would you like to inscribe on your tombstone?

AP: “I did pretty damn good.”