Who is your favorite superhero?

If I could choose one, it would be Captain America. Because… America!

What is your least favorite song?

Anything by Bob Dylan. The first job I had, this girl would come in every day and play every Bob Dylan song on the jukebox. It just burned me out on him.

What actress would you choose to play Kelly Parnell in a movie?

I’d choose Milla Jovovich, because she’s the sexiest lady to ever live.

If you were going to torture somebody, how would you do it?

I think it would definitely a projector with Nickelback playing in the background, all their music videos. And then burning them, force-branding them. Branding the Nickleback logo on them while they’re being forced to watch Nickelback videos.

Who is your least favorite celebrity?

Definitely right now it’s Donald Trump, with all the bullshit he’s spewing everywhere.

What do you say when you look at yourself in the mirror?

I try to have a positive self-image. But I also don’t see exactly what I want to see.

What would you like to put on your tombstone?

Nothing. I want to be buried in a plain wooden box, buried near a tree, and just decompose and become part of the earth.

Describe your most embarrassing moment.

When I was young, I lived in this condo with my girlfriends. And we would have random guys in bands stay on our couch. This one gentleman would always pass out on the couch with his shoes on. And if you fall asleep with your shoes on, you are fair game to be f#$$ed with. So this particular time, my friend and I were so drunk we thought it would be a good idea to shave his leg.  And we recorded the whole thing with a video camera. We started going to town, and his leg was bleeding everywhere. But we felt really good about it when we were done.

The next day, he woke up, saw his leg, and immediately jumped on top of our friend Splat, who was much smaller than him. He was choking Splat out, saying ‘Who did this to me!?’ And of course he choked out, ‘Emily and Kelly!’ So he destroyed our tape.

Years later, I still feel pretty bad about that.

Describe your worst date ever.

I hung out with this guy I went to high school with. I knew he had dated another girl from our school for quite a while. But he swore they weren’t together anymore, and we had a great time.

The next day, I talked to my girlfriend, who told me, ‘Yep, they’re still together.’ And he went and told everyone that I forced him to hang out with me.

What is the best advice you’ve ever gotten?

It was from Christina Aguilera. She said, “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, then you know.”