Describe your worst date ever.

It was a “weekend away” trip. On the way back, we got a flat tire, didn’t have a spare, and had to wait on a tow truck three and a half hours in an ice storm and froze our asses off.

What actor should play Nick Leichtweis in a movie?

Dane Cook. I get told I look like him all the time, and I sound like him.

Who is your least favorite celebrity?

I hate all of them. But I feel like the most repulsive, outside of Kanye West, is probably… @#%, they’re all the same person to me.

What what your most embarrassing moment, ever?

I blacked out all of those moments.

Who is your favorite superhero?

I kind of dig Iron Man and Batman because they’re just rich dudes who are really smart and have technology on their side. Which I feel like is the most realistic scenario for a superhero. Rich dudes who like gadgets.

If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

What is your least favorite song?

Everything ever written by Chicago. I don’t like brass.

What is your pet peeve?

The word “irregardless” f@#$ing ruins me.

You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three special guests would you like to host?

Dimebag Darrell, Quentin Tarantino — because I want to ask him a million questions about his movies — and Les Claypool, who is one of the most interesting people in the world.

Describe Hell.

A Jonas Brothers concert.

What ‘s the worst band you’ve ever seen?

I saw Bowling for Soup on a Warped Tour years ago. They were the worst band I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The guitar player was trying to take his guitar pick and bounce it off his guitar, and he didn’t do it right even once.

What’s the stupidest thing you’ve seen anyone else ever do?

Climb up the front of the Pub and fall off and land on the awning. The dude got hurt pretty bad.

What would you like to put on your tombstone?

Beer-battered and deep-fried, southern sci-fi.