Who do you think you are: Bartendress and future M.F.A. Rebecca Kaufman

483304_10101354671269805_459590605_nQ: What actress would you like to see play Rebecca Kaufman in a movie?

A: Sienna Miller.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: The guy asked me out, and he seemed really nice. He gave me free coffee all the time at the place he worked. Then we went on a date and he took me back to his apartment to drink beer and play pinball. I was playing pinball, and he suddenly thrusts himself up against me, turns me around and jams his tongue down my throat.

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three special guests would you like to host?

A: Pablo Picasso, Bob Dylan, and Louis CK.

Q: What is the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?

A: “Marry rich.” I didn’t take it.

Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?

A: I gotta say it’s Batman. He doesn’t have any special powers. He’s just compelled by fear.

Q: If you could have any super power, what would it be?

A: Invisibility. I would just really like to be invisible sometimes. You’re somewhere you don’t want to be, and you don’t want anyone to talk to you, and you could just stand there and be a fly on the wall.

Q: Describe your most embarrassing moment.

A: It was middle school. I went to a Catholic school, and they made everyone rotate and sing in the choir. So of course the day I had to do Mass, I had the hiccups really bad — like the loudest, most startling, screeching, weird hiccups.

I drank a lot of water, and I thought I got over  them right before Mass. Then I’m standing up there, right in front of the microphone, and everyone goes completely silent for a moment. Then all you heard was, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccc…”

Also, when I was 15, I drank a bunch of Everclear in my church parking lot, then went to Sundown in the City and puked forever on Market Square. My friends ended up carrying me home, wedding-style, in front of a bunch of police officers, and somehow I didn’t get arrested.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I would do music torture. Like play really, really, really shitty music that they hate, and force them to listen to it.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: An incredibly busy bar, filled with people who are only drinking Michelob Ultra and Bud Lite. I think it goes without saying that no one is tipping.

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