Jinx Valentine

Who’s your favorite superhero?

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. He culls the gene pool.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

The ability to explode a specific bodily organ just by staring at it. I want to be able to explode your spleen by looking at you.

What’s your favorite joke?

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-na!

If you were going to torture somebody, how would you do it?

Attach coke bottles to fishhooks, then stick the hooks in their nipples. Then I’d slowly pour water into the bottles so it stretches out their nipples.

What actress would you want to play you in a movie?

Bette Davis. Or Vivian Leigh.

You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?

Charles Bukowski. Rasputin–I want to see his eyes. And John Waters.

What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?

Having to throw up in my own bathtub because the toilet and sink were taken.

What would you like to inscribe on your tombstone?

A harrowing story about how I saved an orphan once.

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever gotten?

“Smile, pretty girl!” I’ll smile when I f@#$ing feel like it.

What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?

Train-wreck TV shows, like “Maury.”

What’s your least favorite song?

Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” I had to listen to that stuff all the time when I was younger. Now all these 20-year-old kids are dancing to it.