What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

How many blonde jokes are there? One. The rest are true stories.

Who is your favorite superhero, and why?

My brother Eric. He was a special forces sniper in the Army. We call him G.I. Jude.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A shapeshifter, so I could be anything I want.

You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three guests would you like to host?

The band Metallica; they would be the entertainment. My friend Craig (R.I.P.); he’s the person who made me the Slayer-bag-toting metalhead that I am today. And The Three Stooges, because I love them!

If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

Put them in a closet and make them listen to that annoying song “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, non-stop.

Describe your worst date ever.

It was a blind date my ex-sister-in-law set up. He took me out to dinner and there was a long wait for a table. So he told the hostess that I was pregnant and really needed to eat. I thought: what a freak!

Who is your least favorite celebrity?

Justin Bieber. Annoying brat!

If you could eat only one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?

The peanuts that you get at baseball games.

What is your least favorite song?

That stupid “Timber” song by Pitbull and Ke$ha. I turn the station every time it comes on.

Describe Hell.

My life–no, just joking. Hell is a place with no chocolate or wine.

What would you like to put on your tombstone?

“See ya on the flip side.”

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Getting thrown out of a bar for fighting. I had blood running off my chin, so the bouncer asked me where the other girl was. I didn’t know what he was talking about. My friend later told me I didn’t get into a fight; I just fell down a flight of metal stairs.

What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?

York Peppermint Patties.

What do you want to be when you want to grow up?

Someone who actually feels like an adult.

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?

I told someone I couldn’t have my picture taken because I’m in the witness protection program.

Describe your least favorite teacher from school.

I had a college professor who always got on my case for being late–even after I explained I was coming from class on the opposite end of campus. He would call me out in front of everyone, every class, saying “Glad Miss Jude could join us today.” Then during our one-on-one, he started flirting with me! What a creep and a jerk.

What’s the best rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself?

That I was divorced with kids. I’ve never been married, and I don’t have any children.