Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
A: There’s a hippie riding a bus. One day on the bus, he sees a nun and he falls in love with her. He wants to have sex with her, so he goes to the bus driver and confesses his love for the nun, Sister Mary. The bus driver says to him, “I have an idea. Every Wednesday I drop her off at this church, and she’s there all alone. And I know this is blasphemous, but maybe you could dress in a Jesus costume, and command her to have sex with you.” The hippie says, “That’s crazy, but it might work.” So he goes through with it, gets a costume and goes to the church. And she’s there like the driver said. So the hippie gets on the P.A. system and says, “This is Jesus Christ.” And he makes a spectacular entrance. Then the hippie says, “As your savior, I command you to have sex with me.” And so the nun thinks about it and says, “Okay, but I’d like to stay a virgin. So can we have anal sex instead?” And the hippie thinks a second and says, sure, why not? Then he throws up the back of her gown and they go to it. And afterward, he’s feeling so good he pulls off his costume and says, “Ha, Sister Mary! I fooled you. I’m not Jesus; I’m the hippie from the bus.” And then she pulls off a rubber mask and her habit and says, “Nope, I fooled you. I’m really the bus driver.”
Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?
A: Nightcrawler. When I was a kid, I thought he was so intriguing, and he looked so neat. He was so nimble, and he could teleport. He was the coolest of the X-Men.
Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three guests would you like to host?
A: John Lennon, Winston Churchill, and Gandhi.
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: Water board. That element of drowning is so scary. And you wouldn’t have to get your hands too dirty.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: I was out with this girl, and it turned out she was batshit crazy. I had seen her around, and I was stoked that I got a date with her. She asked me to come over to her house, and we ended up watching wrestling. I thought that was interesting. Then she told me she was bipolar, and then she confessed all this crazy shit. She basically admitted that she stabbed her ex-boyfriend. I was scared to death. Everything you’re not supposed to say on a date, she said it. So it was three hours of wrestling while she tells me how crazy she is. It couldn’t have been worse.
Q: Who’s your least favorite celebrity?
A: Floyd Mayweather. I want all the bad things in life to happen to him.
Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.
A: I was in Panama City, about 21 years old, staying at this hotel called the Sandpiper. I got blackout drunk, and my stupid friends told me it would be hilarious to if I went around to rooms, run in and take my clothes off and start dancing around like Party Boy from the TV show “Jackass.” For the rest of spring break, I was known around the hotel as Party Boy. I didn’t remember any of it.