Downtown Dirt by Manhole: Football Time in Scruffy City

"Post-concussion syndrome?? What the @#$ is that!??

“Post-concussion syndrome?? What the @#$ is that!??

When it was all said and done, God knew He owed us one. Because it’s a pretty lousy thing to do to One’s own children, give them a verdant green new world blessed with six months of warm, temperate weather, then bring it all to a crashing halt with six succeeding months of misery and cold. So to cushion the cruel blunt-force trauma of the coming winter, he gave us a buffer to ease our sufferings.

It was called Football, and it was good.

And by football I mean football, not futbol—that game they play in places like Argentina and Belgium, with guys named Franz and Miguel who spend way too much of their considerable disposable incomes on hair-care products, and fall to the ground writhing in simulated pain every time an opposing player so much as scratches his jock.

Nope, I’m talking about the good ol’ ‘merc’n fall classic FOOTBALL, with cheerleaders and cheap beer and Mini-Cooper-sized men who run the field at roughly the speed of a slow horse and smash each other insensate for an hour at a clip.

And granted, the name is something of a misnomer, given that the amount of direct foot-to-ball contact accounts for only about .00001 percent of actual game time. But that’s what they decided to call it, and now here we are.

But this season will be an especially exciting one, and not just because of the high hopes held out for University of Tennessee Head Coach Butch Jones’ second squad, a team full of hot-shit blue-chip freshman, as well as upper classmen who have had another full year to plug into Jones’ winning formula.

No, the other reason for excitement this year is that all of the television sets across the six separate bars at Preservation Pub, Scruffy City Hall, and Oodles will be given over to football on game days. And that includes all game days—Saturday’s college slate, the Sunday NFL lineup, and the nighttime games on Mondays and Thursdays.

And here’s how it’s gonna roll: The Cinepub screen—that being the massive big screen in the main room at Scruffy City Hall—will feature priority match-ups. On Sundays, that means the NFL Red Zone, for all of you fantasy fanatics out there.

On Saturdays, that means the University of Tennessee game, when it’s televised. When UT isn’t playing, the Cinepub will show whatever is playing on the brand-new SEC network.

The other teevees in the other bars will be set with an eye toward showing as many different games as possible, while still falling in compliance with the desires of the crowd on hand.

And speaking of fantasy football, both the Pub and SCH are offering some special deals for leaguers who watch the NFL at 32 or 28 Market Square.

At both the Pub and Scruffy City Hall, you can avail yourselves of $5 pizzas and $3 beers on Sundays, all the day long. Mondays, pints are only $2, also throughout the day.

And if several (and by several, I mean “at least five”) members of your league gather at either location on an NFL gameday, the league player with the highest score at the end of the day can claim a $10 gift certificate, good for any and all Pub/SCH goodies.

And if anyone is still looking for a prime locale to host a fantasy draft party, both venues are available, and are already hosting several such events. Entertainment Director Scott West promises that “we will help you make sure it’s your coolest fantasy draft party… ever!”

And that is all the time I have for you people this week. There are preseason NFL football games on, after all, and fresh copies of Lindy’s and Athlon to peruse. Let it never be said that I don’t have my priorities in line.

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