J.P. and Slushy

Q: Who is your favorite superhero?

A: I would have to be the Hulk. He just seems very passionate. And he’s involved. He’s brilliant when he’s not the Hulk, and he’s completely involved in what he’s doing when he is the Hulk.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: I’ll go simple and say flight. I love birds; I love hawks. And I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like.

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three guests would you like to host.

A: Einstein, Mark Twain, and my grandfather on my father’s side. He went through World War II and lung cancer. I loved to listen to the stories he told.

Q: Who would play J.P. Bynum in a movie about your life?

A: Edward Norton.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: Hang them horizontally by hooks, just above candles while slowly filleting the most sensitive parts of the body.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: I showed up at her house to pick her up, and she was drunk. I said, let’s just wait, and she didn’t want to. So we got in the car, and at the second Stop sign, she threw up all over my car, and then passed out. I took her back home and threw her in bed.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: First thing, I’d call all my loved ones and tell them I loved them. Then I’d have to call my ex-girlfriend and tell her what’s going on, and make amends.

Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.

A: Pissing a friend’s bed.

Q: Who is your least favorite celebrity?

A: Leonardo di Caprio. I don’t know what it is about him. I can’t stand his voice. It irks me.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: Extremely humid. And hot. And people not even recognizing you, nobody caring about you. And no good food.

Q: What is your spirit animal?

A: The red-tailed hawk.