Q: What’s the worst joke you’ve ever heard?
A: There’s two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins says, “It’s hot in here!” The other one screams, “Ahhh! A talking muffin!”
Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: Mind reading. Not only would it be very advantageous politically, but you could see what people are really thinking about you.
Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?
A: Is Luke Skywalker a superhero? He’s my favorite.
Q: Describe Hell.
A: Fire. Torture. Screaming. Barbed wire.
Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.
A: I was walking my dog one day, and I saw some friends and started running after them. face-planted and ate shit. I think I tripped on the leash.
Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?
A: “Set my people free!”
Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, what would it do?
A: Is there a live-forever drug? Never age and live forever.
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever seen.
A: Just like uncoordinated guitars and too much double bass. It was not melodic or harmonious in any way.
Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?
A: [Death Cab for Cutie frontman] Ben Gibbard; Gandhi; and [Scottish philosopher] David Hume
Q: What’s your least favorite song?
A: That f@#$in’ “Timber” song by Pitbull. Like if a tree is falling, everyone’s going to see it coming?
Q: What would you like to put on your tombstone?
A: Just my name. Don’t need anything else; I’m gone.