Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?
A: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-a-vest-a-gator! Best joke ever.
Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: Even though it would probably suck more often than it would help, I’d like to read people’s minds.
Q: If there were a movie made about your life, what actress would you like to play you?
A: Clarissa from “Clarissa Explains It All” [Melissa Joan Hart], or else “Lizzie McGuire” [Hillary Duff]. But not just those actresses, I would specifically want the characters from those shows.
Q: Suppose you met the Devil. What would you talk about?
A: I would probably say something really practical. Like: What are you doing here? Who are you?
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: I’d probably lock them in a room all day with nothing but a really, really slow internet connection.
Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?
A: I would probably be a newscaster who got fired because I cussed horrifically on the air.
Q: What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?
A: Once I was mouthing off and I asked the same question over and over again, like, 10 times. At the time, it was really embarrassing to me.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: We went back to my house to smoke a bowl. He assured me he smoked all the time, which wasn’t actually true. He got really stoned and started freaking out. I was playing some music that was kind of dark and heavy, and he was going crazy. It was like this guy thought I was trying to kill him.
We didn’t go out on a second date.
Q: Who is your greatest celebrity crush?
A: Jennifer Lawrence.
Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?
A: Really confident. Invincible.
Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
A: Probably have lots of sex, eat lots of fresh fruit, and maybe go on a short hike with my friends down to a place where we could all go skinny dipping.
Q: Describe God.
A: If there is a God, it’s like the Clockmaker God, where he creates the universe then steps back and lets it run.
Q: Describe Hell.
A: All generic foods and no name-brands. You keep eating and you’re never satisfied. You have sex and you’re never satisfied. Just non-satisfaction all the way around. And only Miller Lite to drink.