Who do you think you are: Oodles bartendress Elizabeth Byars

Elizabeth Byars

Elizabeth Explains It All.

Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

A: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-a-vest-a-gator! Best joke ever.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: Even though it would probably suck more often than it would help, I’d like to read people’s minds.

Q: If there were a movie made about your life, what actress would you like to play you?

A: Clarissa from “Clarissa Explains It All” [Melissa Joan Hart], or else “Lizzie McGuire” [Hillary Duff]. But not just those actresses, I would specifically want the characters from those shows.

Q: Suppose you met the Devil. What would you talk about?

A: I would probably say something really practical. Like: What are you doing here? Who are you?

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I’d probably lock them in a room all day with nothing but a really, really slow internet connection.

Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?

A: I would probably be a newscaster who got fired because I cussed horrifically on the air.

Q: What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?

A: Once I was mouthing off and I asked the same question over and over again, like, 10 times. At the time, it was really embarrassing to me.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: We went back to my house to smoke a bowl. He assured me he smoked all the time, which wasn’t actually true. He got really stoned and started freaking out. I was playing some music that was kind of dark and heavy, and he was going crazy. It was like this guy thought I was trying to kill him.

We didn’t go out on a second date.

Q: Who is your greatest celebrity crush?

A: Jennifer Lawrence.

Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?

A: Really confident. Invincible.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: Probably have lots of sex, eat lots of fresh fruit, and maybe go on a short hike with my friends down to a place where we could all go skinny dipping.

Q: Describe God.

A: If there is a God, it’s like the Clockmaker God, where he creates the universe then steps back and lets it run.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: All generic foods and no name-brands. You keep eating and you’re never satisfied. You have sex and you’re never satisfied. Just non-satisfaction all the way around. And only Miller Lite to drink.

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