Q: Who is your favorite superhero?
A: My favorite is Powdered Toast Man from “Ren and Stimpy,” because that is the most bad-ass show of all time.
Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: I would have the ability to go back in time and do things over. Because it’s bullshit to say you learn from your mistakes. I just want to be awesome all of the time.
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: I would sew their eyelids open and Chinese water torture their eyes.
Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.
A: See my answer to the second question.
Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?
A: It would make me feel simultaneously sped up and slowed down, really thin, and it would make me look like Olivia Munn.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: It was like when I was 18 or 19. A guy I begrudgingly went out with was going to take me to Darrell’s on Bearden Hill. I was actually excited because I liked Darrell’s. But then we got there and it turned out it had been closed for a year and a half.
Q: What would you say if you met the Devil?
A: “How much will you give for my soul?”
Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?
A: I would be able to tell an annoying customer to f#$% off and not get fired, but be praised on the internet after the story went viral.
Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever seen.
Q: What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?
A: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did he want to get to the other side? Because suicide is so much easier.