Who do you think you are: Kelly Van Kelegom

Kelly Van Kelegom

For sale: One soul, slightly used

Q: Who is your favorite superhero?

A: My favorite is Powdered Toast Man from “Ren and Stimpy,” because that is the most bad-ass show of all time.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: I would have the ability to go back in time and do things over. Because it’s bullshit to say you learn from your mistakes. I just want to be awesome all of the time.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I would sew their eyelids open and Chinese water torture their eyes.

Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment.

A: See my answer to the second question.

Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?

A: It would make me feel simultaneously sped up and slowed down, really thin, and it would make me look like Olivia Munn.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: It was like when I was 18 or 19. A guy I begrudgingly went out with was going to take me to Darrell’s on Bearden Hill. I was actually excited because I liked Darrell’s. But then we got there and it turned out it had been closed for a year and a half.

Q:  What would you say if you met the Devil?

A: “How much will you give for my soul?”

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: Heroin.

Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?

A: I would be able to tell an annoying customer to f#$% off and not get fired, but be praised on the internet after the story went viral.

Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever seen.

A: Nickelback.

Q: What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?

A: Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. Why did he want to get to the other side? Because suicide is so much easier.

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