Q: What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?
A: Why did Jesus cross the road? Because he was nailed to the chicken’s back.
Q: Who is your favorite superhero?
A: Nightcrawler. A prehensile tail would come in hand in so many situations. Especially the bedroom.
Q: Describe your most embarrassing moment.
A: The most embarrassing moment, I probably don’t remember. But the second most embarrassing was probably many, many years ago, passing out, being dressed in a woman’s pink blouse, then waking up not knowing the woman’s blouse was on me, and thinking everything was normal at the party. And then passing out face down outside the party.
Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?
A: Kurt Vonnegut, Nikola Tesla, and [Japanese author ] Haruki Murakami.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: I went out with someone over a pretty fancy dinner, a nice place, went all out. I brought the flowers and nice wine. I went through the whole date and walked her to her door and went in for the good night kiss and then she informed me she didn’t think it was “that” type of date. That was followed by me slowly backpedaling to the car, and lots of robotic movements.
Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?
A: I’d clear out my very small band account hire a couple of ladies of the night, and go skydiving. All of the girls would go first, and then I’d let all of my money go and it would be the most epic raining down of cash situation.
Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?
A: I’d say, “Helluva job making people not believe in you.” Then we’d trade slaps on the ass as a show of good faith.
Q: What do you say when you look in the mirror?
A: Usually just, “G#$Dam.”
Q: What would you like to put on your tombstone?
A: It would be cool to have the text of a number 8, a bunch of “equals” signs and a capital “D.” on the end, so it looks like a dick. 8==D
Q: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?
A: “Hey, I’m not into rape. So let’s just calm down.”
Q: What famous person do you hate the most?
A: Nancy Grace. Not because of her views. Just because I think she’s fat.