Who do you think you are: Oodles Food Preparation Specialist and Jojax Guitarist Jake Lonas

Jake Lonas

Jake Lonas: “Who gave Kanye my digits?”

Q: What’s the best–or worst–joke you’ve ever heard?

A: A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender: “How much do I owe you?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

Q: Who is your favorite superhero?

A: Spawn. He isn’t necessarily a hero; he picks and chooses his battles, and doesn’t help just everyone.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: Flight. Just for the sole reason of going wherever I wanted whenever I wanted.

Q: What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?

A: My 23rd birthday. The girl I was dating had taken me home after getting wasted. All I remember is waking up the next morning and she asks “Do you remember anything?” I said no, not really. Apparently I woke up and pissed all over her floor, her clean clothes and her laptop. After she stopped me in mid-piss and pushed me to the bathroom, instead of going in the bathroom I went all the way down to her living room and pissed on the rug. Apparently I thought I was still at the bar, because I yelled at her to get out of the bathroom.

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?

A: Kerry King from Slayer, Hemingway, and Bill Clinton.

Q: Describe God.

A: I think God is a word people put on an thing they can’t understand, and don’t want to understand. So they put a word and a face on it. At the end of the day, when you’re in your bed with just you and your thoughts, whatever in your life that matters most to you, that is God.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: Whatever the hell I wanted to do. I’d live like laws didn’t exist, and the opinions of others didn’t exist. Whatever would make me happy in the moment. Seek out and try every new thing that came my way.

Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?

A: “Thanks.”

Q: What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?

A: “I need to shave and get some sleep.”

Q: What would you like to put on your tombstone?

A: Probably a big, long over-exaggerated explanation of my death.

Q: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?

A: “Are your parents retarded? Because you sure are special.”

Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?

A: I’d be an Evel Knievel-esque stunt man. Drive a motorcycle over a tank full of mutant sharks with razor-blade teeth, or something.

Q: What famous person do you hate the most?

A: The entire Kardashian family. Including Kanye.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: My girlfriend had never eaten at Rally’s, and we were on our way there to eat. I got pulled over for a headlight. By the time the cop had run my tags, he came back and said I had a warrant for my arrest for failure to appear. He arrested me and took me in and left her sitting there.

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