Who do you think you are: Preservation Pub doorman Preston “Laserbeam” Thompson

preston thompson

Preston Laserbeam: Bring him a wheelbarrow. And a spear.

Q: What’s the worst joke you’ve ever heard?

A: It was so bad because of the circumstance. This guy came into the Pub one night and told the old “wheelbarrow” joke: “Do you guys supply wheelbarrows–to carry me out with?” Then he died laughing. I’ve been in the service industry a while now, and I’ve heard that joke 10,000 times. I worked at Outback Steakhouse, and every table would say that. But this is the first guy who thought he made it up, like it was the funniest thing that’s ever been said. I had to courtesy laugh, just to make him feel alright.

Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?

A: I have a favorite supervillain: the Joker. He doesn’t have any superpowers; he’s just insane. I loved the Joker when I was a kid. And of course, on the “Batman” cartoon, Luke Skywalker [aka Mark Hamill] did his voice.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: The ability to instantly get everyone out at closing time. Or teleportation. That would be awesome.

Q: What’s your favorite Preservation Pub story?

A: The most unique thing that happened was that I found women’s panties underneath a seat at the bar. It was like she must have pulled them off under the counter and left them lying there. You find a lot of weird shit at the end of the night, but that one struck me as extra peculiar.

Q: What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?

A: It was [Pub barback] Geoffrey Island’s birthday. We got really hammered, and one of the other guys and I  ended up wrestling in front of the stage with our shirts off. From what I hear. And there were still customers in the bar.

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden at Preservation Pub. What three historical or fictional guests would you like to host?

A: Ghandi and Hitler, so I could listen to them argue. And Dimebag Darrell. So we could sit back and drink and watch.

Q: What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told.

A: My parents were missionaries, so I grew up in Africa. When I came back to the states, I got so tired of hearing stupid questions about Africa. Stuff like, “Did you meet any black people?” So I used to tell people that I was friends with the King of Africa, and that he forced me to go through the Maasai tribe’s manhood ritual and hunt a lion with just a club and a spear.

Q: If you were going to torture somebody, how would you do it?

A: There’s a band that plays here at the Pub sometimes, and they live in a commune, so showering is not their number one priority. So I’d make somebody take a bath with members of the band.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: I think it would be just you by yourself in pitch blackness, in complete isolation. And no end to the time and the boredom. Then maybe throw in some physical pain.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: I might get a good buzz going, then have copious amounts of sex with my girlfriend. Then I’d go skydiving without a parachute.

Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever heard.

A: There was this one white guy playing with four or five black dudes. From their poster, you thought it was going to be some real heavy soul music. But instead it turned out to be this contemporary Christian middle-aged soccer mom music. It was awful. Moreso because of what you expected it to be.

Q: What would you like to put on your tombstone?

A: “Here lies Preston Laserbeam. Died while rescuing 30 children from a sinking ship and fighting to the death to keep a great white shark from the 31st child. They went down together, because he killed the shark with his bare hands.”

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: It was the first real date I ever went on, one where you go out and do something and maybe hope for sex at the end of the night. But her dad went along with us. We were 17, but he still came along. I didn’t know he was coming, and when you find out, at that point you can’t really go, “Oh, never mind.”

Q: What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?

A: I think positive thoughts, and that’s a huge achievement, because I wasn’t always that way. I also think, “Don’t have a kid today.”

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