Q: What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?
A: What’s difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls? You can unload the dead babies with a pitchfork.
Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: Flight. Unlimited freedom. In good times, you could soar and have fun. In bad times, you could soar and get away. Also, some people can throw their voices. I’d like to be able to throw my farts. So I could crop dust anywhere and never ever have to take the blame.
Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?
A: The Batkid, from San Francisco. I have a soft spot for Make-a-Wish.
Q: Describe your most embarrassing drunken moment?
A: There was one time at an office Christmas party where I was able to finagle many more drink tickets than I was allotted. That was also the first time I ever did karaoke. After the nth round of shots, I decided the guy with the mic wasn’t doing a good enough job, so I walked up and snatched the microphone away from him. He walked off mumbling, “That was my song.” I’m pretty sure I rode home in somebody’s trunk that night.
Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?
A: Dave Grohl; the Dalai Lama; and Pootie Tang.
Q: What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
A: “They call me Steve ‘Moneybags’ Hines.”
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: I would hog tie them, pull out all their fingernails and toenails with a pair of pliers while playing them a mix of today’s popular music as heard on the radio.
Q: What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?
A: Excessive amounts of pancakes and bacon on a Sunday morning.
Q: Describe Hell.
A: When you die, your soul slips away never to have contact with the souls you met while living.
Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever seen.
A: They opened up for Cracker at 328 in Nashville back in 1995. The lead singer was in a wheelchair, and he played the most depressing music I’d ever heard in my life.
Q: What would you like to put on your tombstone?
A: A corndog.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: It was my best and worst at the same time. It was great, but it also involved a full-blown panic attack on the Ferris wheel. She melted down. Didn’t tell me anything about a fear of heights. But it ended great–it was the first date with my girlfriend. (Pub regular Rebecca Swain: see previous issues of Scruffington Post.)
Q: What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?
A: How do you grow hair so fast?
Q: What’s the best (or worst) pick-up line you’ve ever heard?
A: “Hi, my name is [whatever], but you can call me Fred Flintstone.” Then when the girl asks why, you say, “Because I’ll make your Bedrock.” Heard, but never used.
Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?
A: Who’s to say I haven’t already done it? And why aren’t you paying attention?
Q: Describe God.
A: Someone or something that is more awesome than I can adequately describe, because I am here with all of you.
Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?
A: Maybe you get a bad rap; I don’t know. But if you are responsible for some of those good times, I truly appreciate it.