Editor’s note: This week, blogmeister Manhole is laid up, nursing a bad case of toe fungus. So in lieu of his usual blog, we’re rolling with an extra, special edition of He/She, featuring an interview with the Moonshine Roof Garden’s Magic Beer Tree.

Q: Who is your favorite band, and why?

A: The Screaming Trees. I’m really into that whole “grunge” thing.

Q: What’s your favorite poem?

A: “Trees”, by Joyce Kilmer. It’s just so darn lyrical.

Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

A: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration! Ho-ho! That one kills me every time.

Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?

A: Groot [“sentient tree-like creature” from Marvel Comics’ Guardians of the Galaxy]. Because, um, I really like his costume.

Q: Wait… he doesn’t wear a f!@#ing costume. I think I’m seeing a pattern here.

A: What???

Q: Okay, nevermind. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?

A: What part of “Magic Beer Tree” do you not understand?

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at the… er, you’re having a party at home. What three historical or fictional guests would you like to host?

A: Hmmm… Johnny Appleseed. A couple of Ents. And the Joshua tree from the cover of that U2 record. He’s awfully cute.

Q: So you like guys. Can we assume that means that you’re a girl?

A: Let’s just say that given the right breeze, my branches sway in both directions. And leave it at that.

Q: You’re a tree that dispenses beer instead of sap. How did that happen?

A: My father was a beer truck; my mother was an oak.

Q: How did they, you know, um…

A: Bees.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: Squirrels.

Q: There’s a guy (or girl) over there who’s really cute. What’s the best way you know to get them to notice you?

A: What part of “Magic Beer Tree” do you not understand?

Q: What’s biggest lie you’ve ever told?

A: “I was not staring at your cleavage; my roots always do that.” That, and that I’m coniferous. For some reason, that really impresses the saplings.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: A sawmill. In a dry county.

Q: What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?

A: Mantyhose.

Q: Describe God.

A: A redwood with a bottomless tap of Guiness.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: It was a surprise triple-feature at a movie theater. Turned out to be The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, parts I, II, and III.

Q: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?

A: “I bet you have great morning wood.”

Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?

A: What part of “Magic Beer Tree” do you not understand?

Q: Who would you tap to play yourself in a movie?

A: James Woods, natch.