He/She: A sit-down with Pub patron and paralegal eagle Rebecca Swain

picture of rebecca

Rebecca Swain doesn’t fool around.

Q: What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?
A: A man walks into a bar, and says “Ow!”
Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?
A: It’s my mom. Because she’s terribly sick, and yet she finds a way to be positive and she keeps trucking.
Q: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
A: Invisibility. For seeing things I probably shouldn’t see.
Q: What’s your favorite Preservation Pub story?
A: I left my bra here one time, and had to come back and retrieve it the next day. I bought a band T-shirt, and made a strapless dress out of it. So I took off my bra and left it here.
Q: What is your most embarrassing drunken moment?
A: It was at the Doghouse off Rocky Hill. I had a number of drinks, and stole the microphone from [singer/songwriter] Tall Paul because he wasn’t doing a good enough job singing “Why don’t we get drunk and screw.” Then a bunch of people came in the next day and said, “Omigod, Rebecca, you’re awesome.” And I had no idea who they were, or what they were talking about. But there were photographs, and apparently I was awesome.
Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three historical or fictional guests would you like to have?
A: I’d like to hang out with President Obama. And Bill Murray. And Ben Franklin seems like a cool dude. He did a lot of stuff.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Happy.
Q: What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
A: The elevator smelled that way when I got on.
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: I am terrified of the Tickle Monster. So I would conjure up the Tickle Monster and get everything I needed out of the person I was torturing. Because the Tickle Monster is real. He’s a sneaky little bastard with really strong pointer fingers. Sometimes he looks like my boyfriend Steve.
Q: What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?
A: Billy Squier.
Q: Describe Hell.
A: That would be easier if I believed in that shit.
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: He picked me up at my house with a flatbed trailer of sticky mulch attached to his truck. He was wearing a poncho with acid-washed, tapered jeans. We went for sushi, which I’d never had at the time, and it was f@#$ing terrible. I had been so in love with this guy, and he finally asks me out on a date. Then he shows up with a truck full of manure.
Q: What’s the best or worst rumor you’ve ever heard about yourself?
A: That I’d hooked up with a bartender at Preservation Pub that I never hooked up with.
Q: What do you say when you look at yourself in the mirror?
A: Baby love, you need to get more sleep. I call myself “baby love.”
Q: If you could invent a designer drug of your own, how would it make you feel?
A: Content. I think contentment is something that matters above all else.
Q: What’s the worst pick-up line you’ve ever heard?
A: I was in this really shady pool hall in the late ’90s. I was underage. And this redneck walks up and says, “Do you have a boyfriend.” I said no. Then he asks “Do you fool around?” And I said, “No, never!” Then he says, “Do you mind holding still while I do?”

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