1. What’s the best (or worst) joke you’ve ever heard?
Why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog? Because he wanted to get a long little doggie.
2. Who’s your favorite superhero, and why?
Batman; I think he’s really constructive, and he uses his resources so well. He’s a baller and a superhero. And he’s hot.
3. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
To be able to change outfits whenever I felt uncomfortable. Or to be like Jeannie or Bewitched, and be able to make everyone happy whenever I wanted to. That would be awesome.
4. What’s your most embarrassing drunken moment?
It was October, and the Oodles bartenders were invited to a VIP party at the Pub, but everyone ended up showing up. (Oodles bartender) Karyn Schubert and I thought it was a costume party. It wasn’t. So we were the only ones who showed up in costume; she was Alex from A Clockwork Orange, and I was a piece of Roy Lichtenstein pop art. It ended when I had to be carried down the stairs at the Speakeasy.
5. You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at the Pub. Name three historical or fictional guests you would like to host.
Allen Ginsberg, Eudora Welty, and Flannery O’Connor. We’d get hammered and have the best time.
6. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I don’t want to grow up. But law school is in the cards if I ever get my bachelor’s degree.
7. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
[As a bartender] “Oh, don’t worry; there’s plenty of time before we close.”
8. If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
Make them listen to teenage girls talk. Or continuously look at their Instagrams.
9. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you want to do today?
I would want to have an—what’s a euphemism for “orgy”?—with everyone who works at Oodles.
10. What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?
Sassterisks! It’s a pretend girl-group we made up at Oodles. We’re like B*witched, only much better.
11. Describe the worst band you’ve ever heard.
There was this band that practiced next door to me. And they played the same song over and over and over again because they couldn’t get it right. It was like hearing someone play Rock Band over and over again, but always skipping back to the same song again.
12. Describe your worst date ever.
It was seventh grade, and we went to see Summer Catch, with Fre13ddie Prinze, Jr. and Jessica Biel. I was going to go get refreshments from the concession stand. And out loud, the guy I was with said, “Can I get some Goobers? And some stinky on my pinky?”
I said no.
13. What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?
Wall twerkin’, def.
14. What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?
Oh, wow. You’re prettier than I remember.