Q: What’s the best, or worst, joke you’ve ever heard?
A: What’s the difference between a Corvette and 10 naked 10-year-olds? I don’t have a Corvette locked up in my basement.
Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
A: I’d be a shapeshifter. That kind of covers all the rest of the superhero powers. Like if I wanted to fly? I’m an eagle now.
Q: What is your most embarrassing drunken moment/story?
A: That would be getting a DUI and making the cover of Busted. After that I saw [local comedian] Jeff Blank at Urban Bar, and he just burst out laughing and pulled out his cellphone and pulled up a picture of my mug shot.
Q: You are having a Moonshine Roof Garden at the Pub. Name three historical or fictional characters you would like to have as guests.
A: Mark Twain, Alan Turing, and Simon Bolivar. I was just reading his autobiography; he was the liberator of South America, and he lived an amazing life. And I’d have a fourth, Oscar Wilde.
Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: If I could figure that out, I’d have done it by now.
Q: What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
A: That I’m straight.
Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
A: I would make them watch all of Vin Diesel’s movies. And they could only go to the bathroom after every other movie.
Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, and you could do anything you wanted today, what would you do?
A: I’d like to think I’d do something really great for my kids. But I’d probably just try to get laid.
Q: What’s your favorite guilty pleasure?
A: When I had cable, I just had to watch this show called “Saddle Club” every day for a couple of months. It’s about ‘tween girls who ride horses. If I got cable back, I’d probably watch it again.
Q: Describe Hell.
A: Who was it that said, “Hell is other people”?
Q: Describe the worst band you’ve ever seen.
A: There’s this band of teenagers on Youtube playing the old hair-metal song “Final Countdown” by Europe, and it’s the worst thing you’ll ever see. It’s at a state fair or something. It’s perfect for every situation. “You’re in too good a mood; listen to this.” Or else, “You’re in a bad mood; listen to this and laugh at someone else’s expense.”
Q: What would you put on your tombstone?
A: “You’re welcome.”
Q: Describe your worst date ever.
A: It was a double-date with my older brother when we were kids. His girlfriend was from a very Christian family, so when he went out, he had to double. So I was out on this blind date with my brother, and we went to Benihana’s, and then we went to this park. My brother and his girl went for a walk, leaving me with this girl I didn’t know. And the Benihana went right through me. It was late enough that the park bathrooms were locked. So there was nowhere to go to take care of this thing that was going to happen regardless of whether I was a willing participant. I did everything I could to hold it, and we finally made it back to his girlfriend’s house. I made a beeline for the bathroom and exploded all over the toilet. Which they probably all heard. Then I had to clean up the toilet at her house.
Q: What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?
A: I’ve got to trim my nose hairs.