Downtown dirt by Manhole: Big Ears in review

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marc ribot

Marc Ribot rawks the Scruffy City, photo by Bill Foster

 

There was truly no greater testament to the success of the Big Ears Festival, v. 3.0, than the sight of Knoxville Mayor Madeline Rogero cutting a rug to the jazzy Latin-inflected beats of Marc Ribot y Los Cubanos Postizos with a handful of other ecstatic festival goers at a beer past one in the A.M. on a Saturday nite/Sunday morning. At our newly beloved Scruffy City Hall, no less.

Which isn’t to imply that the Mayoress was imbibing. Nope, that’s just my little way of marking the time, a system that the rest of you depraved f@#$s will surely understand. The point is, Big Ears came once again to our fair little town on the weathered banks of the Tennessee River, and a good time was had by all. Especially Ms. Rogero, who christened Knoxville’s newest, bestest, and bestest-sounding Pagan/Viking concert hall and future brewpub with her presence on a couple of occasions over the course of a three-day weekend.

The Mayoress also earned props from no less than Rolling Stone magazine for name-checking Captain Beefheart(!!) at her festival-opening address at Knoxville Museum of Art on Friday, March 28. Can’t imagine her predecessor, current gov Bill Haslam ever dropping a way-cool ref like that one during one of his speeches—maybe he’d give props to the Kingston Trio, or Michael Bolton, or some other damned thing. And never-you-even-mind the thought of Brother Bill getting his boogie on to heathen ethnic devil-jazz at some boozy charnel house on the far side of the witching hour. Wouldn’t happen, nope.

All told, the weekend of March 28 was a smashing success, for the city, for the Big Ears festival, and for our newly beloved Scruffy City Hall, which was one of the main hubs of activity for the three-day fest. For those of you who stayed at home all weekend—and you know who you are, you laggard pork-rind-snarfing couch-potato sons of Bacchus’ waterhead third cousin—for those of you who laid on the sofa three days watching “Teen Mom 2” marathons, here’s a taste of what you missed:

Sunn O))) co-founder Stephen O’Malley kicked off Friday’s musical festivities at SCH with a late-afternoon set consisting of… well, consisting primarily of O’Malley thrumming the low E string (which was, in truth, probably detuned to C, or B, or some other subterranean frequency) on his guitar at 15- to 30-second intervals, fronting an intimidating wall of Marshall stacks that set each heavy-handed bombination ringing through the innermost vestibules of the gizzard, as if there were some serious heavy machinery tearing away at the building’s very core and thereby quaking one’s innards into so much well-churned paste.

It was an… interesting performance, and probably not to every taste. Say this for him, though—O’Malley drew a good crowd, and most of them saw the entirety of his 40-minute set.

More engaging was saxophonist Colin Stetson’s set. No one knew much what to expect from Stetson, whose career is most notable for high-profile sideman gigs with the likes of Arcade Fire and Bon Iver. But his show turned out to be a true headf@#$; wild, echo-laden contrapuntal vortexes created by means of various (and variously proportioned) saxophones, a couple of stomp-box pedals, a larynx mike, and some far-out Jedi-mutant breathing techniques.

And I’ll admit, I missed an SCH act or two—couldn’t resist the lure of a legend like John Cale, late of the Velvet Underground, gracing the grand stage of the Tennessee Theatre—but I caught the day’s crown jewel in Ethopian funkmeister Hailu Mergia, fronting New York world-beat act the Low Mentality at SCH somewhere around midnight. A near-capacity crowd bore witness to the jubilant, jazzy, and imminently danceable set, the perfect ending to a day of weird, wonderful music in our fair city.

Saturday the 29th saw more, and less, of the same, with the day’s best surprise coming in the form of SCH performer Bill Orcutt. Orcutt made his bones as leader of the cacophonic scream-rock outfit Harry Pussy out of Miami in the 1990s. A middle-aged gentleman with a frowsy and graying natural tonsure, he’s a little more settled now. And the music he makes is a strange and beautiful sort of raga-blues; angular, hypnotic drones offset by flurries of rough virtuosity on an ancient acoustic guitar.

And a highlight of the entire weekend proved to be the aforementioned Saturday set from Marc Ribot y Los Cubanos Postizos. It rapidly turned into the hottest ticket in town, as local VIPs of various stripes approached SCH/Pres Pub Benefactor Scott West about sneaking them into the packed house, sans Big Ears wristband. This was one instance, though, where SW—a renowned pushover—simply couldn’t oblige. The folks at A.C. Entertainment were gatekeeping this one; no freebies allowed.

Sunday was reserved for those with truly eclectic tastes, beginning with an afternoon Scruffy City set from Japanese avant-rock guitarist Kenji Haino. And I am not exaggerating when I say that never in my years of life on this big rock we like to call Earth have I witnessed so many people crowd into a mid-sized venue to listen to so much left-field ruckus.

Haino is a screech artisan; a provocateur; a guitar mangler of the first order. But whether they loved him, hated him, or just plain didn’t know what the hell to think, scarcely a single member of the dual-floor SRO crowd left for the duration of his hour-ish-long show.

The day closed at Scruffy City with doomy veteran post-rock outfit Earth. They drew a sizeable crowd, too, and tho a few in attendance felt the thundering three-piece were a trifle… repetitive, I, for one, appreciated the meditative beauty inherent in their single-minded pursuit of Salvation via the Almighty Riff.

And so we will put this year’s Big Ears Festival to bed, and look forward with bated breath and open… Ears, to next year’s event. In the meantime, there is so much else for us to do here on Market Square. Be ready for a hella good spring season. And take plentiful notes. There will be a test when it is over.

Who do you think you are: Preservation Pub bartender Robert Jolley

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robert jolley

Robert Jolley: Did Aquaman ever need a canoe?

Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

A: It’s the best and worst. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye dear. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no-eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still, no-f@##ing, no-eye dear.

Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?

A: Aquaman. I like that he can cruise around the ocean.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: You die, you go to Heaven, and you find out there’s no beer there.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: I’d fly. No, on second thought, I’d like to be like Aquaman, be able to breathe underwater and swim forever. That would be cooler.

Q: What’s the worst band you’ve ever heard?

A: Motley Crue put on the worst show I ever saw. I went expecting to hear their early albums, and I got “Dr. Feelgood.”

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?

A: John Travolta, Dolly Parton, and Rihanna.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: I’d go hang out with my son and my wife, probably do whatever they wanted to do. I’d probably drink a little, too.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I’d tickle ‘em. That would be cruel, dude.

Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?

A: “How’re you doing, George?”

Downton dirt by Manhole: Big Ears, part II

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Big Ears, II

Ears wide open: Do you allow grazing on the loggia?

Let’s be clear: I’m not a man(hole) given to passing out kudos at the drop of a hat. There are those who might say that I am curmudgeonly; misanthropic; a hater. There are others who simply say that I am a miserable #$%.

Shit on those people. They are a cowardly, stupid lot. Their jibberings hold no truck with men of substance. The truth is that I am a hard man, but a fair one. And I will sing praises only when praises are well-earned. And this is one of those times when they are, indeed, richly deserved. So let’s get to it.

Plaudits to Ashley Capps and his team at A.C. Entertainment, for putting together the best line-up yet in the ambitious five-or-so-year history of the Knoxville music fest known as Big Ears. And plaudits, too, to our Benefactors, Preservation Pub first couple Scott and Bernadette West, for agreeing to play host to several of this year’s best Big Ears performers at our newly-beloved Scruffy City Hall.

We have already discussed, in no small detail, the preliminary plans for SCH on the Big Ears weekend of March 28-30. And it would seem now that the plan has remained steadfast, with no amendments to the line-up announced here when last we convened in this space.

What we know now that we didn’t know then is the time schedule for the festivities, and the line-up for the Sunday bill. Which heretofore had been a mystery, even to those of us with our fingers close to the pulse. For those of you who weren’t paying any damned attention before—and you know who you are, you laggard f#$%s—I will reiterate. And add more.

On Friday, March 28, Scruffy City Hall will host its first act of the 2014 Big Ears Festival when drone/doom-metal icon Stephen O’Malley [Sunn O)))] takes the SCH stage at 7 p.m. Bon Iver and Arcade Fire horn player Colin Stetson will follow at 8:30; electronic/industrial renegade Vatican Shadow performs come 10 p.m; Afro-pop hero Hailu Mergia closes out the evening at midnight, fronting New York ensemble the Low Mentality.

Saturday’s roster includes Nowegian singer, writer, and performance artist Jenny Hval putting on a multi-media show beginning at 5:30 p.m.; multi-instrumentalist and electronica wizard Mark McGuire playing at 6:45; avant-blues and noise-rock guitarist Bill Orcutt raising a ruckus around 8; Vladislav Delay bringing ambient Finnish electronica to Knoxville at 10 p.m.; and genre-spanning guitar legend Marc Ribot fronting his Latino fusion big-band Los Cubanos Postizos at midnight.

If you want to know more about those particular artists, go back and read my previous missive, wherein they are discussed at greater length. Or else Google them. I am not going to repeat myself further, just to accommodate the indolent. F#$% you for not keeping up.

Because now it is time to discuss the Sunday shows—Can I have drum roll, please?—and to revel in what should prove to be Mr. Manhole’s best-loved performance of the festival, across all venues combined. (And there are other venues, as well as other performers, involved in Big Ears 2014. We just figure it will be hard for most of you to leave behind the sweet mothering ambiance of our newly-beloved Scruffy City Hall.)

On Sunday, March 30, the final day of Big Ears begins at SCH with Keiji Haino, at 2:30 p.m. A singer, songwriter, and guitarist, Haino has a long, weird history that dates back to the 1970s. He has stuck his hand in the till of everything from straight-up blues-rock to drone to free improv to noise and ambient psychedelia. Watching Haino tear into his axe like some feral beast in the throes of bloodlust is a visceral, inspiring, exhilarating thing. It will also scare bejeezus out of you. Don’t say I didn’t warn.

At 4 p.m., African-American artist Lonnie Holley will present. Holley fashions absolutely stunning works of found-object sculpture, works assembled from the junk out of scrapyards and dumpsters, maybe even the Island of Misfit Toys. It so happens that I have seen Mr. Holley’s creations—his home in Alabama is a destination for art pilgrims the world over, his house and property festooned with the beautiful, twisted fruit of his ceaseless labor—and it is nothing short of astounding. I’m not sure how his presentation will roll, but it is nothing you want to miss.

But the crown jewel, for my money, of the whole damned Big Ears weekend—and this is the part where I get all flustered and eager, Jake, like a giddy schoolgirl with a crush on Teacher—the biggest show yet will be Sunday’s SCH performance from Seattle’s Earth, at 5:30 p.m.

What is Earth, you ask? What isn’t Earth, is my response. Founded in 1989 by guitarist Dylan Carlson, Earth is the mostly-instrumental outfit that helped pioneer modern doom-metal, drone and post-rock, way back in the early 90s, when we didn’t have nifty little descriptors for those kinds of things. As time wore on, Carlson and co. added new influences to the band’s deliberate, richly-textured mix, everything from jazz, country, and British folk, to the exotic miscellany of Italian soundtrack master composer Ennio Morricone.

They are that rare outfit whose music is so transcendently diverse that it can satisfy the cravings of music listeners from across the entire spectrum of aural experience, Big Rawk riffaholics and fusion sophisticates, and lovers of layered orchestral beauty.

My work is done here. In the meanwhile, please consider your options for the weekend of March 28 over at bigearsfestival.com, where you can snag three-day festival passes for $175, and single-day passes for $75. The passes are good for all participating outlets—there are a couple of noteworthy shows at (ahem!) other venues, if you’re dead-set on shopping around, sets from the likes of Steve Reich and Television and Radiohead’s Johnny Greenwood and the Velvet Underground’s John Cale. If you’re into that sort of thing.

You will find me camped at Scruffy City Hall for the duration, though, munching trail mix and MREs and waiting for the likes of O’Malley and Orcutt and Dylan Carlson to alter my perceptions in profound and ineffable ways. Open your ears and join us, Jake. Your heart will be better for it.

Who do you think you are: Preservation Pub/Scruffy City Hall bartendress Destiny Smith

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Destiny and Dog

Destiny Smith: Who let the dogs out?

Q: Tell us a joke.

A: Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was so depressing.

Q: Who’s your favorite superhero?

A: Wonder Woman is pretty cool. She has a pretty cool outfit, and an invisible plane.

Q: What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard?

A: I’ve heard a million, all in reference to my name. Stuff like, “Are you my Destiny?”

Q: Describe your most embarrassing moment.

A: I went to the wrong apartment one night. It was these two guys that I knew. And I just walked right in and sat down on the sofa while they were in the kitchen, without realizing the difference.

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I’d lock them in a room with a CD player, and set “Who Let the Dogs Out?” on repeat.

Q: What was the worst band you ever heard?

A: Skrillex. Does that count as a band? At  the time and place, it was the worst thing I’d ever heard. I was working 20-hour days at Bonnaroo, and I had to fight through a crowd of Skrillex zombies to find my friends and get our keys so I could go to sleep.

Q: Describe the worst date you ever had.

A: I drove about two-and-a-half hours to visit this guy. We hadn’t been out before, but we’d talked on the phone. The whole time I was there, he made me pay for everything we did.

I didn’t stay long.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: Being in one of those reality TV shows like “The Bachelorette.” Watching them kind of sucks, too.

Q: Who are your most hated celebrities?

A: The Jersey Shore girls.

Q: You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden party at Preservation Pub. What three famous guests would you like to host?

A: Mozart; the comedian Mitch Hedberg; and Dolly Parton.

Q: Describe God.

A: I don’t even know where to start with that one.

Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?

A: Invincible.

Q: If you met the Devil, what would you say to him?

A: “Are you following me?”

 

Now Playing: Marina Orchestra

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marina o

Marina Orchestra: Bringing the Highlife to Knoxville

There is a certain chaos factor locked into the DNA of Knoxville’s Marina Orchestra, a congenital restlessness reflected in both its membership—which often seems to change by the week—and in its musical drift, driven by frontman Justin Powers’ urgent creativity.

And Marina is arguably the city’s most interesting and original outfit because of it. Because though he insists that he’s tired of upheavals, Powers’ make-up seems to be such that he will never be content settling into a comfortable groove.

“Whatever the band’s current state is, it’s always outdated in my mind,” Powers says. “Because I’ve always got something new in my head. I feel like this is the band I’ve always wanted to have. At the same time, I’m never really satisfied. I’m always looking forward.”

Powers dates the birth of Marina Orchestra back to the 2010 South by Southwest music festival in Austin, Tex. He was attending the fest with his previous band, the late local indie rock outfit I Need Sleep, which was teetering on the brink of a break-up.

“I was completely captivated by all the music all over the place,” he says. “So I started romanticizing the idea of ‘If I came back here with my own band…’ The goal I came up with was to bring this band I had in my head back to SXSW. And one year later, that’s what I did.”

But the journey wasn’t an easy one. Powers—a man of manifold and far-flung musical interests—was driven at the time by his discovery of Highlife, a century-old west-African genre wherein certain traditional musics of the region are reimagined through the medium of Western instruments, including horns and guitar.

Powers’ first efforts at founding a new ensemble were a bit… circular, though, like some goofy indie rockers’ version of the old ‘70s nugget “The Pina Colada Song.” “I made a flier that said something like ‘Looking for players for a tropical street band,’” he remembers. “I think there was a picture of a palm tree. And my old bandmates were the ones who found me. So the initial group was basically I Need Sleep.”

But learning whole new approach to music—a style at once rich, rhythmically complex, radically at odds with the aggressive guitar rock Powers and co. were accustomed to playing—was a formidable challenge. “It was a type of music I had never played,” he says. “I needed horns, but no one I knew played a horn. It was a learning process for everyone.”

For those reasons–and because of the strains inherent in holding together a large ensemble unit–Powers’ fledgling Marina Orchestra found itself undergoing a constant stream of line-up changes; the band’s current roster is even a couple of players removed from the group that recorded Marina’s freshly released second album, Oceans.

But in spite of all the departures, M.O. has evolved a beguiling signature sound, characterized by slinky ethno-funk rhythms, spot-on girl-group harmonies, ebullient horns and Powers’ own chirpy yet weirdly compelling lead vox.

What’s next for Marina Orchestra is an open question. For the time being, they’re a bit less… orchestral, the roster having been trimmed to a tidy seven members (down from a peak of 12). They’ve added classically-trained backing vocalist (and Pres. Pub server extraordinaire) Jayme Hogan, to harmonize with longstanding member Rachel Gurley. And they’ve seen another change behind the kit, as Oceans drummer Nick Swafford departed and headed back to school, replaced by Brad Duncan.

For his part, Powers seems to be trapped in a strange limbo, a familiar headspace where he simultaneously frets the band’s damnable inconstancy, yet eagerly considers the possibilities each new incarnation of Marina presents.

“I feel like this is a completely different band than when we started,” he says. “We play a lot of the same songs. But we understand now that we’re not smashing our instruments—we’re caressing them. And we have more groove. I love groovy music, and that’s been our big thing lately, grooving without going into jam-band territory.

“I’m always excited about ‘the next thing.’ And in this case, the next thing will actually be many things. I’ve got so many ideas for this band.”

Marina Orchestra will play in the Preservation Pub Smokeasy Friday, March 28 at 10 p.m.

Downtown Dirt by Manhole: Big Ears in the Scruffy City (Hall)

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big ears

Listen, my friends, and you will hear…

We are going to talk about Big Ears. And no, I am not referring to your goofus cousin Ralph, nor to a certain (very) local County Mayor. I am referring to Knoxville’s own Big Ears Festival, a quasi-annual event sponsored by local promotions guru Ashley Capps, he of A.C. Entertainment fame, father of Bonnaroo. And I am also talking about its auspicious debut over in our fab little corner of Market Square.

Capps started the fest in 2009, with Jason Boardman of Pilot Light and Steve Molinski of KMA, as a means to showcase off-the-beaten path musical artists—weird, wacky, wonderful singers and players hailing from the queer side of the musical spectrum. And by queer, I mean “odd”, Jake—what you do after quitting time is your own damned business.

The first couple outings were a veritable smorgasbord of sonic eclecticism, featuring the likes of Philip Glass and Neil Hamburger and Negativland and Joanna Newsom and Vampire Weekend and Sufjan Stevens and… Hell, I could go for another three paragraphs or so, but you’ve got the Interwebs, same as I do. And life is too short. Point is, it was a grand and ambitious undertaking: Rolling Stone lauded v. 2010 as “arguably the classiest, most diverse festival in the country.”

Now, there was something of hiccup in the proceedings, subsequent to ’10. But after a three-year absence, Big Ears is back. And v. 2014 looks to be the most intriguing line-up yet.

This year, performers like ex-Velvet Undergrounder John Cale and Radiohead six-stringer Johnny Greenwood and NYC art-punk legends Television share top billing with minimalist composer Steve Reich and genre-spanning guitar mangler Marc Ribot. And if you are not at least a little bit impressed by that  sampling, then you are either (a) an unthinking philistine, or (b) clinically dead.

And that is just the merest taste of the 30-plus acts appearing at various area venues throughout the weekend of March 28-30. And here is the best news yet, Jake: a goodly number of those performers will take the stage at Knoxville’s newest and bestest music palace, our already-beloved Scruffy City Hall.

But here’s where it gets tricky: Due to powerful forces beyond our control, the specifics of who will play where, and when, are still a matter of some uncertainty. Although we do have a better-than-vague notion of how things are gonna play out that beautiful, cacophonic weekend of the 28th.  Just remember that you read it hear first.

Or so it is hoped. In any case, these are some of the artists you just might see—emphasis on the “just might” part, Jake, so no one can call me a liar—at Scruffy City over the first two days of the festival: guitarist Stephen O’Malley, founder of drone/metal/stoner icons Sunn O)))); reed player Colin Stetson, a touring member of Arcade Fire and Bon Iver; synth-industrial artist Vatican Shadow; the funk/Afro-beat collaboration of Hailu and the Low Mentality; electronic/psychedelic multi-instrumentalist Mark McGuire; singer-guitarist Bill Orcutt, late of influential ‘90s noise-rockers Harry Pussy; Norwegian singer, songwriter, journalist and literati Jenny Hval; electronica sophisticate Vladislav Delay; and the aforementioned Ribot’s Cuban-inflected dance band Marc Ribot y los Cubanos Postizos.

All that, plus the possibility of even more wild, woolly musical mischief at SCH come Sunday. Now, we should highlight what should be the feature acts from those first two days of (potential) Scruffy City performers—Friday’s Hailu and the Low Mentality, and Saturday’s Ribot y los Cubanos show. And by “feature acts,” I mean, get your beauty rest, Jake, ‘cuz they likely won’t hit the stage before 11 p.m., maybe midnight, depending on the restless, crazy flow of the day’s many acts.

The Hailu show is a dual treat, of sorts, inasmuch as it features Ethopian keyboard luminary Hailu Mergia, a star bandleader in his own country back in the day, ‘til hard times and a rough move stateside put his career on ice for some 20 years. Backing him is the Afro-centric American groove outfit Low Mentality. A recent Hailu/LM set at Brooklyn’s Baby’s All Right club “had the whole room dancing,” according to the New York Times: “The band’s funk was crisp and disciplined, informed by American soul but also at home with the rolling six-beat vamps of Ethiopian funk.” Salut.

As to the Saturday set, Marc Ribot—a mainstay of solo recordings by Tom Waits and Elvis Costello, among many others—is an esteemed guitarist/composer who’s been winning awards in high-brow music mags most people never read, for longer than anyone can remember. And his Marc Ribot y los Cubanos Postizos is freaky, nigh-indescribable fun—a sublime amalgamation of Latin big-band, ‘70s fusion, and adhesive, danceable grooves.

Which isn’t to short-sell any of the day’s earlier sets. Hell, the opportunity to see a doom-metal demi-god like O’Malley, and a trash-rock potentate like Orcutt, right here at 32 Market Square, may leave me too pooped to pop by the time the evening’s headliners roll around. But that’s just me.

As for the rest of you @#$ers, I would advise you with all due haste to hustle over to bigearsfestival.com and snag a pass or two for the weekend’s shows–$65/$75 for single-day passes, and $175 for all three days. The passes give you free reign to visit any and all of the participating venues.

That is all for now. Be here next time, for further adventures. We will kick ass, and chew bubblegum. And the bubblegum is already finished.

Who do you think you are: Oodles bartendress Elizabeth Byars

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Elizabeth Byars

Elizabeth Explains It All.

Q: What’s the best joke you’ve ever heard?

A: What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-a-vest-a-gator! Best joke ever.

Q: If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

A: Even though it would probably suck more often than it would help, I’d like to read people’s minds.

Q: If there were a movie made about your life, what actress would you like to play you?

A: Clarissa from “Clarissa Explains It All” [Melissa Joan Hart], or else “Lizzie McGuire” [Hillary Duff]. But not just those actresses, I would specifically want the characters from those shows.

Q: Suppose you met the Devil. What would you talk about?

A: I would probably say something really practical. Like: What are you doing here? Who are you?

Q: If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?

A: I’d probably lock them in a room all day with nothing but a really, really slow internet connection.

Q: What would you do for your 15 minutes of fame?

A: I would probably be a newscaster who got fired because I cussed horrifically on the air.

Q: What was your most embarrassing drunken moment?

A: Once I was mouthing off and I asked the same question over and over again, like, 10 times. At the time, it was really embarrassing to me.

Q: Describe your worst date ever.

A: We went back to my house to smoke a bowl. He assured me he smoked all the time, which wasn’t actually true. He got really stoned and started freaking out. I was playing some music that was kind of dark and heavy, and he was going crazy. It was like this guy thought I was trying to kill him.

We didn’t go out on a second date.

Q: Who is your greatest celebrity crush?

A: Jennifer Lawrence.

Q: If you could invent your own designer drug, how would it make you feel?

A: Really confident. Invincible.

Q: If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you do today?

A: Probably have lots of sex, eat lots of fresh fruit, and maybe go on a short hike with my friends down to a place where we could all go skinny dipping.

Q: Describe God.

A: If there is a God, it’s like the Clockmaker God, where he creates the universe then steps back and lets it run.

Q: Describe Hell.

A: All generic foods and no name-brands. You keep eating and you’re never satisfied. You have sex and you’re never satisfied. Just non-satisfaction all the way around. And only Miller Lite to drink.