What’s your favorite joke?
So a Canadian and an American go fishing. They’re not catching anything, and they’re getting bored. So the American guy goes, “Hey, you want to play a game?” And the Canadian guy goes, “Ay, sure.” So the American goes, “Alright, it’s a game where you have to guess what I’m thinking. I’ll give you clues, and you have to guess.”
So the American tries to think of something the Candian won’t guess, and he thinks of the word “Moosecock.”
The Canadian thinks, and he asks, “Is is something you can eat?”
And the American thinks about it, and he says, “I suppose you could eat it, if you really wanted to.”
And the Canadian says, “Is it Moosecock?”
Who’s your favorite superhero?
Aquaman. He can breathe under water. And I’m a terrible swimmer. I’ve had to be saved from drowning twice.
What was your most embarrassing moment, ever?
I pooped all over myself in third grade. And I was wearing sweatpants, too.
If you were going to torture someone, how would you do it?
I would talk to them for weeks, really listen, get to know them. And then I would find out what they hate the most. I’d take them to see their favorite band, pay for everything, and then find a point where they were having the best time of their life. Then I would unload everything they hate, and let them know that everything they hate is what I believe.
Then I would just kill them. So their last moments would be intense disappointment, then they’d be dead.
Who is your least favorite celebrity?
Kim Kardashian. She hasn’t done anything to deserve to be famous, outside of her genetics. Plus she teaches the idea that if you have a sex tape, you can be famous.
What is your spirit animal?
I want to be a dog. Doesn’t everybody? They relish the things they enjoy, but they don’t worry about any BS. They put an exclamation point on all the good stuff, and don’t worry about the trivial stuff.
What’s your least favorite song?
The Nickelback song “Hero.” Here’s why: I kind of like it.
You’re having a Moonshine Roof Garden Party at Preservation Pub. What three historical, fictional or celebrity guests would you like to host?
The animated Robin Hood, where he’s a fox; Andrew W.K.; and Dave Grohl.
Unending doubt about where I’m going to end up. The finality of knowing I’m stuck here, and it’s never going to get better, and it already sucks.
What actor would you like to see play Rusty Odom in a movie?
Russell Brand. I mean, Rusty Brand.